But anyway, here is my truly, essay-long blog....maybe longer than all my photo-filled blogs put together. But yeah... just my thoughts... feel free to not read. =)
Oh, and... have a Blessed New Year!
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My story began the day I was born. Or before that. But that would be too complicated to think about, so let’s start with the day I was born. If that day never existed, neither would this story.
I have lived 18 eventful years of my life. For that, I am grateful to God, for my life, and for everything He has put into my life to make me who I am today. So, here’s a little bit of what my biography would be like. ;) That is if I ever get famous enough to own one of course!
Growing up, I’ve only figured out more things in life and those things have showed me how significant or insignificant my life can be. That, needless to say, would be up to me.
I slowly figured out that ‘growing up’ wasn’t as cool anymore, and I bitterly discovered that turning “sweet sixteen” really wasn’t as profound as everyone else made it up to be. I realised that not every guy on the block has the potential to be prince charming, and my wish of becoming a princess in a faraway land would never come true. I also found out that not all my friends, in fact, all of my friends or the people I meet are or will be the same person as when we first met; neither will I remain to be the same person. And I quickly learned that I’m not the only one attracted to the opposite sex, and that my closest of friends felt the same kind of attraction too.
But with that, I also learned that boys aren’t everything, and through a number of times, I’ve mastered the skill of dismissing a mutual liking for one guy between me and my friends. With that skill, I’ve kept my friends.
***
As the years passed, I began to believe that if I believed in something, and that that something will happen, it will. I also realised that that was much easier said than done. I started to learn more about belief. I learned that it wasn’t something you can talk about, but it’s something you can prove through deeds, and not words. It was something a lot of people maintained individually, and hence, diversity. But at the same time, many people lacked it, and hence, suicide. Not just suicide in the literal sense, but suicide in the sense that they waste their life away; they block out any belief and never allow belief in their hearts that would give them a purpose to live. Suicide, that without belief, their lives are empty. And many times I find, it’s not that people didn’t want to believe, but they didn’t know what to believe in. For that, it becomes so much harder for me to hold onto my beliefs, because I often question myself with ‘why’. And with the little that I know, that’s not a very good step to take if you even want to believe in anything.
***
By the time I reached my teen years, I realised how right my mother is, all the time, about everything. I never used to believe the things she said, and thought she was over-exaggerating or lying.
I soon recognized, of course, that she was right about eating my vegetables and going to bed early. All the things she said about keeping my room tidy being a habit, as part of character building, and that it will do me good when I become someone’s wife in the future, I believe her now. I just don’t do it. When she told me blood is thicker than water, I didn’t understand it, and therefore didn’t believe in it. I never took her word for it until I learned what betrayal from my friends felt like and consciously noted how forgiving my family is no matter how many stupid things I've done.
***
You know, as I approached my teen years, I was always warned about losing my innocence. Little did I know how quickly it would go and how helplessly I would try to grasp onto the little left, but it would leave me anyway. It went away quickly and quietly and I was awoken by the vast emptiness that innocence has left me with. Now, it is much harder to hope and to dream.
Anyway, now that I am 18 years of age, I realise how small the things are that I used to think were humongous-ly big. I used to worry about which boy to choose, and don’t mind me while I reminisce about the two or three boys who were friends and fought over me. I, in my innocence, prayed and asked God to give me a sign to show me which one I should choose and which one was the ‘right’ one for me. That prayer naturally, went unanswered. Now, I look back and wonder why did I even care? Now, I just pray that God will help me keep boys away and only reveal the ‘right’ one to me when I’m ready, which I know I am not. And for right now, at this point in my life, boys take the lowest of my priorities. And if you know me well, you’ll know how rare that is for me.
I know I said loss of innocence has made it hard for me to hope and to dream. And I said that I believe that if I believed in something, it will happen. Well, with turning 18, I came to the realisation that if I hoped and dreamed, and believed my hopes and dreams come true, I’ll also have to work towards them, and they definitely won’t just fall out of the sky onto my lap. Okay, so I didn’t just wake up and realise it. My mother taught me it, and I never really believed her, again. It is only now that I understand the weight of it! So, here’s wishing me all the best in chasing and living my dream without menial, or sometimes, in my case, large distractions!
***
There are a few more things I realised.
Through the years, I realised how fast time passes, and how little of it we have. We have more things to do, most of which we hold little, if not, no importance in doing. How different this is from when we only cared about colouring within the lines and having a competition to see who can swing the highest and fastest on a swing set. I remember crying when I failed to just colour within the lines, because I would look at my colouring and see that it is horribly ugly just because I coloured a little bit out-of-bounds. Now, colouring isn’t as important, but is anything that I do routinely, important? I’ve got to give more thought to that.
I realise how we want more as we grow older, we become more greedy and more selfish, maybe because our parents don’t yell at us anymore, reminding us that we must share our ‘new toy’. Funny when people say babies are the most selfish beings, because they are oblivious to the lives that others must live. They cry when they’re hungry, poop when they feel like it, and grow up whether you want them to or not. But babies are ever oblivious to its surroundings. A very grown up adult however, is not oblivious and more often than not, is not dumb either. But he wouldn’t share his meal with the homeless nor put extra change in a beggar’s cup. But let’s take it into a more “everyday” context: just giving a friend a helping hand and not expecting anything in return; or even sacrificing a bit more of that precious time because someone else obviously needs it more. Then again, I could be overly generalising, and of course, I’m speaking for myself! I can say honestly that with my turning 18, I’ve only apprehended the extent of my selfishness. My understanding of it will tell a whole story in itself. But being aware of it is one thing; doing something about it, is another story for another time.
***
With the things I haven’t learned, a few key things through 18 years: I never learned how to comfort a mother who was utterly disappointed in her kids. I never learned how to tell a daughter she needs to take more responsibility in looking after her mother because she’s her mother’s precious. I never learned the justifiable way to show a father gratitude for all that he has sacrificed for the love of his family. I never learned how to reject a guy nicely, but that’s always been a tough one to crack. I never learned how to hide my emotions from my face, and I never learned how to stop talking too much. Let’s see how I go with my new year’s resolution…I’ve got to make a list… one that’s not too long, at least.
***
Well, as for this year in particular, I have to say that it has been my most eventful year yet! A very unforgettable one indeed, I love this year… a LOT! This year, I bought the most books, for myself…and did most shopping, not just for people’s birthdays but also for myself. This year, I wrote very little which is quite funny since I’m actually studying writing. Well, actually, when I say “writing”, I mean, fiction, poems etc. Besides the ones I wrote for assignments, I did very little out-of-coursework, which isn’t very good at all. My favourite poem that I wrote this year has to be “Let Me”.
Well, if you ask me…there are a lot of things I’ll never forget about this year, like the extremely long and draining train rides to and from Uni….which wasn’t too bad towards the end because I found good company. =D Also, like the time my beautiful friends organised a surprise birthday bash for me, something I don’t even dare wish, and yet they gave it to me. A lot of experiences, lessons, moments I won’t forget and won’t regret… and will be eternally grateful for. Just being in Kids’ ministry…especially having to be “in-charge” while Sonja is gone has already taught me tons in the last month or so… I can’t imagine how much more I’d learn in the coming year. Oh, how I anticipate it (no really, I’m not being sarcastic).
A lot of people have been saying that year 2009 will be a very difficult year… for citizens of the world, for the human race…. But whatever it is, I don’t hope for it to be rosy, but I’m going to try and take what I can get and make the most out of it, all the while putting my trust in God… otherwise, there’d be no point in living this life, would there? The one regret I have for this year though, is definitely slacking in my personal walk with God. The ups and downs of Uni schedules have really messed things up… but I’m determined to get my relationship with my First Love back on track…asap!
So there you have it, my thoughts on life and everything else that comes with it, the year I turned 18.
Let me
Will you catch me when I fall?
Will you unfold your life before me?
How shall I see through this wall?
If you don’t let me.
I just want to spread my wings,
I want to go places I’ve never seen before.
Let me fly high above,
Help me stretch my life before I fall.
Will you run with me to the seas?
Will you discover everything I see?
Let me be the one that unveils your eyes,
But don’t let me stay too close by your side.
I want Grace to endure this trial.
I want Spirit to embrace whatever may dwell.
How can I be strong in your arms?
Shall I gain my strength from you?
Will your lips play a symphony?
Will my ears hear your speech?
When I grip the darkness around me
Show me a hand that I can reach.
In your eyes I will see,
The life that is before me.
The life I’m not meant to live,
The life that I must grieve.
So now let me go, be the bird;
And cut the strings.
…until I find my feet.
Love,
Audrey.
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